Thinking back, back to that time...gives me goose bumps. Even the flashbacks are painful. Remembering is torture. It's like my soul is on fire, like I am awake and I can feel everything around me but I cannot move or speak. It's like sinking in quicksand. It feels like I'm drowning. Like the Earth beneath me is crumbling.
Sometimes living is more painful then the prospect of death.
There are no words that can fully capture the way one is feeling when they are contemplating taking their own life. The hopelessness, loneliness and despair one feels is impossible to fathom unless they themselves have been on the edge of suicide. I know this pain all too well. I know the feeling of waking up to yet another dreadful day. I know what it like to hate every inch of your existence. I know what it feels like to truly believe that this world is better off without you.
I also know what it feels like to crawl out from underneath the broken pieces of my life and slowly rebuild myself. I know that when you have truly reached bottom...the only way to go is UP. You have to choose to be a survivor, and you no longer will be a victim.
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About Me
- alanacompher
- I open my eyes and realize that I have yet another day to drag on through life. I lie in bed wondering why I was put on this earth, if pain and suffering is all I am destined for. I go through each day dragging my feet and am absolutely sure that my existence was simply a mistake. I could never even fantasize about a better life. A life where people keep their promises, where parents are in love and are together forever, like on tv. A little girl…years beyond her age, ignored by parents, defiled by man, bullied by an older sister and concurrently given the opportunity of a lifetime. It is not until we see the darkest depths that we can truly find freedom in ourselves.
Alana,
ReplyDeleteYou express the despair that you've been through in a beautiful and concise way. I wish I could do that and that someone would listen and care. The fact is there is literally no one. I'm new to the area. The only two family members I have coldly turned me away when I asked for emotional support. I have been trying to deal with major depression and have been on the edge of that cliff for quite some time now. It is due to something that turned my life upside down when I moved here which has also triggered issues from a painful childhood. At any rate, depression is not looked upon in a favorable light by those I reached out to, nor is it taken seriously. I know you understand by what you've written on this site. That has helped me as I'm sure it has helped others.
I wish I could contact you by email. Maybe you could steer me to some good resources for help. I've been trying to do this alone for too long and it's not working. I don't know where to turn. When you don't have a family to turn to, you fall thru the cracks. I know you understand this. I started with a counsler a few weeks ago, but its not working. It's not his fault as I believe he may be suffering from Alheimers. As a result, I know more about his life than he knows about mine. If you could help me, I would appreciate it. In desperation, I thought I'd reach out to you, a stranger, for help. I'm trying to have some hope and to be a survivor. I really need to talk to someone soon as the constant loneliness and despair is overwhelming. No where to turn.
If we could all just be kinder to one another, just think how much better off we all would be...