Beautiful People make me sick

I always thought that be beautiful people had the best lives. As I get older I realize that it isn't true. Growing up I was always awkward looking, I had buck teeth, never brushed my hair and was way too skinny. I even spent an entire summer wearing nothing but pants and longed sleeved shirts because I hated my body. I remember one day in high school, I mustered up the courage to wear these open toed high heels, it was a little chilly outside so why not wear socks too? Well this ended up being ammunition for the popular girls, and as they slithered by, they pointed and laughed at my sad attempt at style. They always picked on me and my friends and made sure we knew what losers we were.
I always thought the popular girls would grow up and be beautiful and have beautiful lives. When I see those girls now, I can't help but still resent them for the way they treated me in high school. Maybe they don't remember, but how could I forget? They made every day of my life a living hell. The funny thing is, they aren't as beautiful as I had thought they were.
I learned that beautiful people can sometimes be the most unhappy people. All their lives they could rely so much on their looks, that they never even have to develop a personality. They never know if someone likes them for who they are or simply because of their looks. And since their looks are so important, a bad hair day or a pimple can be earth shaking. Even the most beautiful people have their faults, and no is completely happy with the way they look.
I was never beautiful to me, and now I don't know if I even want to be. Outer beauty is overrated. Beautiful people are shallow, insensitive and judgmental. Real beauty is beyond our looks, real beauty is purveyed through the heart. How we treat people, caring for others, and compassion...that is TRUE BEAUTY.

My aching heart

Why is it so hard to be thankful??? Why is it so much easier to take things for granted??? Why is the grass always seem to be greener??? I Wish I knew. I wish I felt whole, or at least partial...anything but empty. Incomplete. Unsatisfied. Hopeless. Hopeless is the worst, the feeling that things will never change, that the way I feel at this very moment is imprinting itself onto my soul. Slowly devouring any sense of hope or well-being. It didn't take much to put me into this place. Just a few words of criticism, or at least what I perceived as criticism. I'm not usually this sensitive, I tend to let things not affect me too much. But when something hurts, it hurts so bad.

The invisible girl

I was never the pretty girl. I was never the prom queen, never a cheerleader, never valedictorian. I was never the smart girl, the quiet girl or the band geek. I was always no one. I was the girl that everyone went to elementary through high school with, but no one knew my name. I was just "that girl". You know that one girl in social studies who sits in the back of class...you know, the skinny girl who wears too much make up and hangs in back of the school with all the weirdos??? Yep that was me. Completely non existent to everyone...The weirdo. It's funny, because I never even thought of myself as "the weirdo". At least not until High school, that's when I realized... I was a freak. A weirdo. An outsider. A no one. And not just at school, but at home too.

Learning to Live

Thinking back, back to that time...gives me goose bumps. Even the flashbacks are painful. Remembering is torture. It's like my soul is on fire, like I am awake and I can feel everything around me but I cannot move or speak. It's like sinking in quicksand. It feels like I'm drowning. Like the Earth beneath me is crumbling.
Sometimes living is more painful then the prospect of death.
There are no words that can fully capture the way one is feeling when they are contemplating taking their own life. The hopelessness, loneliness and despair one feels is impossible to fathom unless they themselves have been on the edge of suicide. I know this pain all too well. I know the feeling of waking up to yet another dreadful day. I know what it like to hate every inch of your existence. I know what it feels like to truly believe that this world is better off without you.
I also know what it feels like to crawl out from underneath the broken pieces of my life and slowly rebuild myself. I know that when you have truly reached bottom...the only way to go is UP. You have to choose to be a survivor, and you no longer will be a victim.

The sun ducked behind the clouds, poking through and grasping what was left of the day. I knew I was looking up at Heaven, and for a moment, I felt at peace. It's the same feeling I have when I look into my child's eyes, like all is right in the world and that I am exactly where I am meant to be.