The invisible girl

I was never the pretty girl. I was never the prom queen, never a cheerleader, never valedictorian. I was never the smart girl, the quiet girl or the band geek. I was always no one. I was the girl that everyone went to elementary through high school with, but no one knew my name. I was just "that girl". You know that one girl in social studies who sits in the back of class...you know, the skinny girl who wears too much make up and hangs in back of the school with all the weirdos??? Yep that was me. Completely non existent to everyone...The weirdo. It's funny, because I never even thought of myself as "the weirdo". At least not until High school, that's when I realized... I was a freak. A weirdo. An outsider. A no one. And not just at school, but at home too.

Learning to Live

Thinking back, back to that time...gives me goose bumps. Even the flashbacks are painful. Remembering is torture. It's like my soul is on fire, like I am awake and I can feel everything around me but I cannot move or speak. It's like sinking in quicksand. It feels like I'm drowning. Like the Earth beneath me is crumbling.
Sometimes living is more painful then the prospect of death.
There are no words that can fully capture the way one is feeling when they are contemplating taking their own life. The hopelessness, loneliness and despair one feels is impossible to fathom unless they themselves have been on the edge of suicide. I know this pain all too well. I know the feeling of waking up to yet another dreadful day. I know what it like to hate every inch of your existence. I know what it feels like to truly believe that this world is better off without you.
I also know what it feels like to crawl out from underneath the broken pieces of my life and slowly rebuild myself. I know that when you have truly reached bottom...the only way to go is UP. You have to choose to be a survivor, and you no longer will be a victim.

The sun ducked behind the clouds, poking through and grasping what was left of the day. I knew I was looking up at Heaven, and for a moment, I felt at peace. It's the same feeling I have when I look into my child's eyes, like all is right in the world and that I am exactly where I am meant to be.